Jesse McLaren ( @McJesse ) Twitter Profile


Jesse McLaren

Comedy writer, former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development under President Nixon.

Joined on 31 March, 2009

  • 5.2k Tweets
  • 1.2k Following

Nothing makes my spirit bright like a bell on a bob tail ring.

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You know in the horror movie where the big scary thing that's about to happen is just playing in the background on the news for the first 15 minutes? That's how I feel about the Utah desert monolith.

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This live action reboot of Celebrity Death Match is something else.

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Grogu is what someone names an alien in an improv scene.

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Never take advice from someone whose income depends on always having an opinion.

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So awkward, he said it like 5 times and I still for the life of me can’t remember Baby Yoda’s name.

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Given its the name of one of his apostles, it stands to reason at some point Jesus said “oh, hi Mark.”

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Quoted @TrevorLess

your current self is zapped back to September 2, 2001. how much of 9/11 do you think you could prevent. if you’d like, please reply with your reasoning and methodology

Preventing 9/11 would step on the freedom of those pilots and passengers. It's their right to fly where they want, when they when, regardless of the known risk. Grounding those flights would be living in FEAR.

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When Benjamin Button reached a certain age did his teeth retract back into his gums? Did he have to wear baby-teeth dentures? Why am I still awake? Hello? Anyone?

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Quoted @ed_solomon

I have a Dali joke but meow oven mitt eyeball smoke

I have a Van Gogh joke but I only heard half of it.

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To play De Vil’s advocate, imagine how amazing a coat made out of 101 puppies would feel.

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DAD: ...and how do you make money doing this?

SPIDER-MAN: I do it to help people.

D: Does “helping people” have a insurance plan?

M: We just want you to succeed.

SM: I saved the city from Dr. Octopus!

Doctor. See, their parents must be proud.

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Quoted @kayleighmcenany

Joe Biden LOST every bellwether county but one...

TRAILED Clinton’s vote totals except mysteriously in 4 swing state metros...

While President @realDonaldTrump WON a historic incumbent vote total, picked up House seats.

But we are told Joe won? ⬇️

At what point does this become inciting violence??

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Quoted @atrupar


I’m sorry, but the fact that so many people destroyed their lives for this man is objectively hilarious.

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Replying to @McJesse: Happy Thanksgiving 2020

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“Al Roker, here. Reporting that I'm not locked up in here with YOU. You're locked up in here with ME.”

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While everyone is off Twitter and it's safe to say this- I thought the CGI Clifford looked fine.

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This makes me miss Performance Art class in Art School. Some dude would show a MiniDv video of him doing this outside a McDonalds for 20 minutes and we’d watch the whole thing and be like “rad, A+”.

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Having the Thanksgiving meal of my life with my friends and family. They're all just out of frame, eating too.

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Happy Thanksgiving 2020

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Wow, this is actually inspiring.

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